There’s a way to bleed your heart out that sounds pretty saintly.
You’re open and receptive and ready to comfort and support.
You’re there through thick and thin, come Hell or High Water.
You are a rock, an anchor a hold steady that any and everyone can go to to find solace, to feel good about himself, to gain insight and confidence for herself…
Of course. Of course.
Have you ever been playing this version of you and it seemed to backfire?
Do you have any stories about how you gave and gave and then you were left betrayed and alone?
Do you say “no”?
Because if you answered yes, yes and no/maybe sometimes, we need to talk about boundaries.
You’re heart experiences that bleed out when you give to people who aren’t there for you or, better yet, don’t even want what you’re offering.
It’s common and completely human to want to give. It’s unhealthy when you do so to be loved or liked or to fix something.
Public Service Announcement:
There is nothing you need to do to have love – no changing, no improving, hell, not even falling. It’s absolutely right there in front of you and in you and all around you when you’re checking in and choosing to love yourself.
All the time.
When this is your practice you becomes so hyper-awake to what isn’t love that you start sending it away like Good Witch Glenda banished that Wicked Witch of the West.
No, you don’t get magical powers.
You get boundaries.
And you use them.
People don’t mean to take.
They don’t mean to overextend their welcome.
They don’t mean to clear out the cupboards.
But they will if you let them.
Think about it.
We all seek support and love from the outside at times.
We all desire that connection and assistance.
If someone offers me 100% of their listening and full-proof planning, I’d take it too.
I have in fact.
And I didn’t realize I was until I was past what I later saw I had needed to deal with MYSELF.
Because that’s the reality of support and assistance. You can only be there to prop others up and be by their side. In the end, it’s always only to soothe their experience of letting go.
You’re no savior.
You’re no fixer.
You’re no healer.
The work of healing, figuring it out or finding ease and contentment…that’s each’s own to get to in each’s own time.
Does that mean not to be there for people?
When someone ASKS you to, being there is exactly what they want. It’s your job to hear if they’re asking so as to get the push to move forward or so as to live in a cycle of complaint.
You’re only there to give them a nudge forward.
Put that boundary UP.
(In the most supportive of ways…clearly. Simply stating that you want to see someone grow and move forward and it’s clear you’re not the assistance they need as things aren’t changing…now, that’s love, for them AND for you).
And, frankly, there’s this too…
If you’re one of those who thinks you’re here to help, whether asked or not. If you’re one of those who knows what people need and see their “problems” so clearly laid out and you are simply the ONE to fix it…
Give the people in your life boundaries to put up AGAINST you.
This is coming from a recovered fixer and from a place of ruthless compassion…
Nobody needs to be (or wants to be) fixed.
It does not matter if it “seems” like someone might “need” you. What matters is if THEY believe that you are the assistance they WANT for the things in their life that THEY actually WANT to change.
Being a superhero fixer occurs as patronizing and diminishing and breeds disconnection. It’s actually considered enabling.
Ain’t nobody learning if you’re doing it for them.
You do you, that’s all you need to think about.
Sometimes walking away is the best love and support you can show another.
Just let it be and go dig deeper about what you’re trying to heal about yourself.