I hope to…
I hope so.
I…in some future moment/version of myself beg the universe to do me a solid and make that thing that I deep down inside don’t really think is possible happen.
It’s looking forward.
It’s having an expectation and wanting it fulfilled by someone or something out there in the fantasy land you’ve created as the life you want, instead of this one, right here, right now…the one you’ve got.
We hope to discharge pain.
We hope to allow for the things we don’t want to happen.
We hope to allow ourselves to be without what we believe, whether we acknowledge it or not, we aren’t good enough to have.
We hope that someday, one day we will be lucky enough to receive.
Hope is a four letter word.
I’m going to illustrate why I’m adding hope to the profane…because that shit will fuck up your life.
Hoping has nothing to do with what is.
It has everything to do with what isn’t, what’s lacking, what’s missing.
Hope is the perfect little cover up for that dirty little masochist inside of you to have you say and think things that others will see as brave, driven, committed, voracious, valiant…
Maybe you’ve even convinced yourself you possess these qualities. I mean, my little do-gooder, cross carrying, life battle fighting self sure believed that about me.
That is, until I busted her for it.
I busted her for hoping real quick when I figured it out.
Because when I stopped to look at what I was hoping for I was about to get evicted from my apartment, I was smoking half a pack a day and was ten pounds underweight.
I was hoping my business would take off.
I was hoping any unreturned calls would be answered.
I was hoping my boyfriend would stop abusing alcohol.
I was hoping I could run from everything that was crushing my heart and come out unscathed, no one noticing.
I was hoping that the life I was living would just magically become the life I wanted.
So I gave that shit up.
I got a job waiting tables while I continued to build my business. I got out of that relationship and started going to Al-ANON meetings. I stopped reaching out to the people who had shown they weren’t equipped or interested on being there for me. I stopped mistreating myself in all the ways I asked the people who hire me to stop.
I started this process of going DEEP into my heart to heal the things that had me forcing my failure and punishing myself in the first place.
And I realized what was missing when I quit hoping for the future and let myself be with today…
You gotta be faithful.
Nope, I don’t mean Sunday mass, sun salutations, synagogue or Intentions Into the universe (not knocking these additions, by all means, whatever works for you).
What I mean is sitting down with yourself and thinking hard and then writing what you want as a declaration of what is absolutely NO DOUBT IN YOUR MIND going to happen.
It’s going to happen.
How? I have No idea.
When? Don’t know that either.
And…I’m not going to waste these moments, right here, right now.
I am not going to waste the opportunity to acknowledge what BELIEVABLY awesome, tangible greatness I have right here in my space, in front of my, inside of me and all around me.
I am not going to plan the next month’s success without honoring and being grateful for who I am right the fuck NOW.
Write it down and put it away.
Stop thinking about it.
Stop doing anything with it.
Since I took action on being happy and acknowledged and grateful and awesome NOW, a bunch of clients rolled in. I got a office I really like with a little garden outside the window. I started writing and filling my non working hours with things I wanted to be doing. I started playing and exploring and growing again.
I gave up that I needed to do a certain job.
I gave up that I needed to settle or continue going back to people who just couldn’t see me or hear me or, for whatever the reason, weren’t in to me.
I started getting interested in myself.
I found people who are interested in me too.
This writing project came out of faith.
Faith that I am healthy and whole and enough to have everything I want, fill myself up and THEN give.
Faith that this way of being works.
Faith flings you out there to where you want to be.
There’s no questioning or fearing or sticking around where you aren’t just plain living magnificence.
And you can’t deny faith.
It’s just what you believe.
ANYTHING, absolutely anything that says no to that belief simply, has to go. There’s no effort.
It just doesn’t fit.
There is no room for it or anything or any person that contributes to it.
You need that room to believe.
So fuck hope.
Fuck feeling sorry for where you are or letting it happen.
this is your life.
Believe in who you are.