your movie

I love to write.  It comes out in spurts.  I’ve half- heartedly promised books, memoirs, best selling insight and cracked open expression of what it’s like to have this ancient soul in a world full of fresh and slightly scarred beings.

I am not a lonely person.  I’m often alone.

I wonder if people can hear me a lot of the time…through all of their stuff.

all of their crutches, boundaries, walls and bubble wrap.

it all appears to come out muffled…misinterpreted…a novelty.

Do they hear me when I say, it just isn’t that way?

Doubtful young businessman

Do they hear me when I see and speak to what’s stopping them…why their story states how broken they are and how right they are that that’s the way it is?

That they are the way they are.  That this world is the way it is.  That I am the way I am.

That the safest bet is to give up.

or control – even better.

i am not in control of anything.

i’m flowing with it.  i’m unhinged, unattached, hurdling towards an end, to start again?

perhaps.

or just end.

Close up view - The end - written on an old typewriter

i can’t swim.

and i’m too skinny to float.  sink like a rock.

i can’t fly.

i’m no longer afraid to keep trying.

it’ll end.  no use trying to control that.

there’s no such thing as control.

there’s also no such thing as drama.

isn’t there enough going on to get it’s just happening?

make a new dream or stick to this one.

does it serve you?

does faith become some sort of esoteric concept that you white knuckle your way towards.

i believe, goddamn it…now let me have it.

let me prove it.

let me show you i believed enough to get what i want the way i want it…now.

why aren’t you listening?  why aren’t you being what i believe you to be?

why are you always stopping and starting and making excuses and running.

you can’t get away.

it’ll end.

Toilet Paper.

stay put. be present. soak up all of the nothing around you.

it’s empty and meaningless.

put whatever you want in the pot.  it is all made up.

there’s nothing cooking.

there’s nowhere and nothing else besides this.

until there’s this.  which is this.  it’s not anything besides this.  it’s just this.

there’s no better or worse.

there’s no holy grail.  there’s no perfect one, experience, success or event outside of me that will make this worth it.

it just is.

because it is.

want something?   create it.

make it up.

write a story.

sit in the movie theater that is your life and get that you are creating it scene by scene and no one is in the theater with you.

a pretty young woman sitting in a row of red chairs in a theater, she eats popcorn, top view

it’s your movie.

no one sees it like you.

no one loves like you.  no one dreams like you.  no one wants what you want.

and all of this is meaningless as well.

you put the emotion in.

you feel what you feel because you chose to feel it.

you made that up too.

work with your hands.

find silence.

stare at a wall until it excites you.

study yourself.

this weird mass of what we call elements and energy and life because we chose to and then decided what was beautiful to make what isn’t…in our personal movie…wrong.

outside of you nothing is.  you’re it.  you are the only constant in the time your heart is beating, your mind is firing and your lungs inhale and exhale.

easy.

enough.

to.

explain.

to.

a.

child.

and yet incomprehensible – that’s sad. that’s morbid. that’s dark. that’s not ok.  i have to get away from this.  i don’t believe this.  i have faith in bubbles and sunshine and perfect love between goddesses and gods that ignite the world with their essence and beautiful display of made up fairy tale nothing.

you’re alone.  it’s quiet.  fall in love with it.

cry because you get that your eyes leak because you want to emote, express, feel and display the orgasm of life.

yep, tears.  orgasm coming out of your eyes.

it is.

it’s a release isn’t it?

what is that big old O?  a release.  of all you pent up inside looking for a place to put it.

keep it.

share it, sure.

but keep it.   it’s yours.  there’s no one sharing your popcorn.

A young woman is upset about spilling her popcorn on the floor in a movie theater

write some new scenes.  stop and enjoy nothing.

it ends.

Young woman looking at split ends. Damaged long hair

make up the love song and live it out.

it ends.

it ends.

it ends.

and that, i believe, is beautiful.

On creating

You wake up.
The sun shines bright.
The sky is blue.
The birds are singing.
You’re ready for a new start, a new day, a new and exciting beginning.

or maybe…
You (unfortunately) open your eyes.
The rain pours.
The sky is grey.
Your alarm is screeching on that “danger!” setting.

Either way.
You created it.

The sunny day could also be too bright, too hot…the birds squawking.

The rain could be a gentle rhythm to accompany the hues of blues that further accompany the melodic jazz you prepped for you 7AM call time for today’s episode of your life.

Again, your creation.

Do you often find yourself stuck in a conversation of “Why can’t I get things to work?” “What does it take for me to get what I want?” “Why can’t I find what I need/want/deserve?”

You created that too.

You have a magical capacity to create whatever you want in your life.
Does that mean bubbles and rainbows and bunny rabbits every day and $1M in your mailbox this AM?

Well, honestly, yeah.

You don’t actually want that though.
You want the balance of life.
Light and dark.
Good and evil.
Happy and sad.
You want it all.
It wouldn’t exist for you if you didn’t.

Because you create your reality.

You either focus positively, create the ideas, plans, connections and actions to have what you create created.

Or, you don’t.

You created that laziness, disregard, upset and resignation too.

All you.

Own where you are and what’s what, right now, in your life.
Get that what you focus on, expands. That’s how powerful the energetic force of your thoughts are.
You’ll find relationships that prove your point of view is correct and others that will support your truth in agreeing with your experience.

So all those things that you SAY aren’t what you want – an empty wallet, a dominating lover, a friend who doesn’t care, a schedule that runs you….guess what…you’ve created them.
And then, you’ve gone to the length to strategize happenings that support their drama.

Because it’s safe.

You don’t have to transform your point of view to create a NEW existence.

I get it.
You don’t know what that would be like.
You’re ok how it is.
It’s just not AMAZING.

IT CAN BE.

Create it.

Create that there’s no such thing as your fear of heights and go sky diving.
Create that love is everlasting and meet an insanely awesome mate and commit.
Create that money is practically falling from the sky. You have to say “no” there’s so much coming at

you and then DO what it takes to land yourself on the line of fire next time the bank is makin it rain.

The only thing between these creations and what you’ve got going right now?

The shitty conversations, ideas, realities and stories you’ve created—they need to go.

Stop. Being. Right.

It’s not the way it is.

Be happy
.

Kali moment of the month!!!!

Destroy. Destroy. Destroy.

Knock what’s in the way out of the park, burn it, explode it, sit and psychically visualize it’s dissipation into another dimension that just has nothing to do with your soul and your life.

Get that?

You’re the writer, the creator and then the actor and the liver of your life.

Please believe.

It’s all right there.
As I write this to you, I speak to me. We are all creating this together.

❤️, me

IMG_3306

Project: Love, Me on BlogTalkRadio!!

Join me Sunday February 22nd at 7pm on BlogTalkRadio!
Sign up and call in.
During first episode we’ll be discussing being (powerfully) vulnerable.

On feeling it all.

Fall in love with starting again.

Don’t let your fear of it ending, messing up, looking bad or being hurt keep you from starting.

If life was about the glory of success, we’d be content and stop when we had a successful experience.

Life’s about experiences. Period.
Experience deeply.

Wins/losses success/failures – no matter.
It’s the getting back up and starting again, no matter what, that has us truly living.

Be with how it feels when things don’t go your way.
Feel it.
Honor the lessons.
Look for the opportunities.
Every moment is a new chance.
Why waste a single second mulling over the chances you’re afraid to take?

Take them.

I have had quite a few experiences in my life where people I love and can often count on shrink back in fear. They watch me go for it, fail and then, I emotionally erupt.
I feel the pain.
I feel the anger.
I feel the injustice, the upset, the unfairness, the remorse.
I feel it all.

And HARD.

And then, I let it go.
There’s always those hangover moments or hours or occasionally days that I feel energy lost, a nap needed and sense of overwhelm. That’s the afterGLOW.
The sense of release.
That lull is a GREAT thing.
It’s the experience of the void of a space that was once filled with sticky icky stagnant life cracking open, completely empty, to be filled with whatever you want.

And it can be scary to others…even those that are often the most confident in your strength, when they watch you feel.

Feel anyway.

Give yourself permission to let it all out and let it all go.
When you “kinda sorta” feel or you claim not to be “a feeler” or you actually judge and STOP yourself from feeling, you cause a trauma.

Yep, it sticks to your ribs, your gut, the place deep inside your heart.
You snapshot those moments of release and make them saddened, weighted energy fields in your body.
You disconnect.
You build a wall.
You stop.

You gotta let it rip.

You gotta let yourself be an absolute fucking mess.

You gotta get that THAT is growth.

Does it mean you’ll learn to stop feeling so deeply?

Nope. Not at all.

And, you’ll learn to feel, release and return to equilibrium quickly.
Does this startle a “non-feeler” even more?
This shift from explosive and present to the pain (or the joy…all feelings…ALL OF THEM) to a resolution to status quo?

To someone who’s emotions are withheld and there are many fields of stuckness within, witnessing this type of expression is one of the most frightening things imaginable.

Keep it up.

You’re giving them permission. Permission to go past their own fear and feel.

They aren’t getting that permission anywhere else.

And being able to feel it all is the utmost expression of health.

So, come on —live a little.

Feel it. Share it. Release it.

And start again.

❤️, me

яркий абстрактный фон

On owning your fire

Here’s today’s loving spoonful for you:

Spit fire.

That’s not to say be angry and resentful.
It’s to say own the fact that you have a raging, burning, negative energy clearing flame in you that has every right to torch whatever shows up in your way.
You know who you are.
You know how you feel.
You know how you want and deserve to be treated.

ANYTHING that’s not in agreement with that, light it up.

Speak your mind.
Show up and level the forest.

This is all coming from acknowledging that little voice inside of you that says “but, I don’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt. I don’t want anyone to dislike me. I don’t want to be someone people spite or resent.”

PSA: there are people in this world that, for whatever reason they create for themselves, will not like you.

Gooooooood! Great! Awesome! Spectacular!

If you’re you, you don’t fit in everywhere. You don’t get the most popular vote with everyone.

You stand out – and the people who can roll with the heat of your flame, those are the ones who sing your praise. They’re also the ones who will have your back when you ask for it.

The haters? Not so much. They’re too busy discharging blame, concocting resentment and finding ways to not be responsible for themselves.

Your back they have not.

So light up any concern you make that mean about you, boo.
That’s time a wastin’ on nothing that’ll have you being something.

And thank your naysayers, really.

If you listen to them, you aren’t ready to really be your bad ass self. There’s still work to be done. When they show up and you flick their judgments into a passing bonfire you know…you’re ready.
Ready to blow this world up with your fire.

And you see, simply, you haven’t the time to listen to anything that isn’t a plan to be your amazing self.

❤️, me

Classy Woman at hell's door

On being easy

It’s a typical day in the neighborhood when we start off with the list of what’s to be done, where we need to be and how we need to show up. It’s when that list is accompanied by anxiety, judgement and worry that we self sabotage our way into a difficult day.
You’re up to something – say it’s big, say it’s small, define what that something is in whatever way that has you smile and let it be easy breezy.
The difficulties we face in this life are self created and/or co-created with the individuals we surround ourselves with.
Life really isn’t difficult.
Some days we need to bow out of the commitments we’ve made.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
There’s really nothing wrong with anything.
To start a conversation of failure or ridicule with yourself only adds to the difficulty and pushing yourself to be able when you just aren’t is a simple recipe for disaster.

Simplify.

Create days that have commitments to others and balance with commitments to yourself.

You only get this time, this body, this ability.
The more time you spend berating yourself for not being able or feeling fatigued and worn out, the less time you have to arrive and be the person you and others know yourself to be.
Let go of having to do anything.
Recreate yourself as someone who just does, is and makes it all easy.

❤️, me

Love looks…

Love looks like two hearts meeting accepting supporting and growing bigger and stronger and more alive in every passing moment.

Love looks like freely giving and opening up to a side of myself that was otherwise quiet and yearning to express itself.

Love looks like honoring myself and, therefrom, honoring another. It looks like allowing for another to be who they are. At times, walking the path of life side by side, a little ahead, and sometimes, a bit behind. Honoring love is accepting that eventually, each…even the deepest of encounters, moves its separate way.

It’s when we complete our walk with another that the paths split. We are never following. We are never leaving. We are, simply, moving.
There are encounters in love that can feel painful. They aren’t. They are merely stopping points for each to get a little more aware of what is me, what is you and what each wants to achieve, become, or settle into in this life.
Understanding and forgiving that a journey with one ends allows movement.
I say forgiving because the story we create as to why is never truly what happens. It’s just what we create as a happening so we can stand still and make ourselves stop for the fear of an unknown future.
Standing and waiting and carrying on for he or she of they to return, take your hand and guide you just isn’t what happens in this life.
We are all connected. That is certain. We are not, by choice and our inner fire, tied to being together.
So walk.
Move forward.
Learn.
Forgive and grow.
Each experience teaches us and lets us see that there’s not much more to life than traveling along.
Watch.
Experience.
Observe.
Learn.
There’s no stillness in the ever expanding universe. Move on to glide along in the flow.
Love openly, freely, faithfully and deeply. Begin with your ever traveling partner – yourself. Once you find it in yourself and honor your own heart, you can appreciate the travelers with, no matter how long or short your journeys together.

❤️, me