There ain’t nothing authentic about being nice

Nice.
Three words in response to being nice:

Knock. It. Off.

Nice had a slimy connotation. It goes right along with the experience of being taken advantage of.
When you’re “nice”, you’re allowing for, excusing and, frankly, enabling irresponsibility.

Nice people forgive those who don’t show up.
Something is missing here.
Forgiving is great.
By all means, absolutely, forgive
AND THEN
ask Mr No Show what happened. Let him know how it effects you and everyone else he doesn’t show up for and, from that, what that does or doesn’t do for HIM.

Nice people do everything in their human power to make sure everyone else is taken care of, needs fulfilled, coddled and accepted, no matter what behavior comes about and when they’re really nice, this type of free giving often comes at their own expense.

Nice people don’t think they themselves are important enough and this taking care is what has others like them.

Yes, that’s right. All the nice kitties out there want to be liked. It’s not really who you are. It’s who you think you need to be. Underneath that, you’re resentful.

So, what’s missing for little miss nice…

kindness + ruthless compassion.

Being kind is being supportive, listening, standing for someone to have whatever realization they need to step into the next space in their life.
It has nothing to do with doing it for them.

AND

It definitely has nothing to do with excusing that they aren’t doing what it takes for themselves.

Being kind is telling it like it is, holding another accountable and backing up and getting out of the way so people can hit the wall and have what’s necessary happen that’ll have them get how little their not so great way serves them.

Being kind is creating, creating, creating. It’s NOT listening to sob stories and excuses. It’s being there to have things move in a new direction or asking another to go figure that out while you move in that direction, alone.

It takes A LOT to shift from nice to kind.

Nice people are typically known for their niceness. (This is not a beneficial knowing). Those who take advantage of nice, nice, nice get a bit ruffled when they can’t depend on you to do things for them anymore.

They’ll survive.

And your nice little head will likely feel guilty or bad or all sorts of negative feelings as you embark on the adventure from nice and used up to kind and appreciated.

And the ship to sail from A to B is that ruthless compassion.

You gotta be down and dirty about how much you care.

You gotta let people know that they’ll get its for the best that you aren’t doing it for them.
And being ruthless about it lets you sigh and support and be kind, not just to them, but to yourself.

❤️, me

Your courageous heart

Tough 

              adjective 
                           (of a substance or object) strong enough to withstand adverse conditions or rough
or careless handling.
You’re tough.  He said.
Tougher than nails.
Tougher than dirt.
Tougher than leather.
Tougher than diamonds.
Tougher than the rest.
You withstand.  You fight.  You win
Except when you meet your greatest adversary.
The one thing that provides the most adverse conditions and the roughest, most careless handling. Then you realize you aren’t really all that tough at all.
Because the most adverse, the roughest, the most careless and unhinged hate comes from YOU, from within yourself.
The house you build in your head, the one that gives you the most support to bust through, to be brave, to counter all the “No’s”, all the challenges, all the mishaps turns in on you, shuts you down and tells you you’re only tough because you can’t really handle much of anything.
You find it in you to combat yourself.  Your made up protective and angry self.  That never gets her way and never finds what she needs and can never say what exactly it is that she wants.
Then, you take on courage.
Courage
 noun
  1.     The ability to do something that frightens one.  Strength in the face of pain or grief.
    …or better yet, the ability to face your fears with your whole heart.
    free me
    And your heart is big.  And it picks you up and carries you.  It asks the toughness to take a seat.  You don’t need to fight anymore.
    Your heart asks for support.
    It lets you push on through tears and shallow breathes.
    It lets you find the beauty in not knowing.
    It lets you be free to find the ones who’ll listen and hold you and make you see that there’s everything to be had and nothing lost.
    Your courageous heart let’s you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you.
    Even though the tough guy tells you to shut up and fix the mess you are and all the messes you’ve made and called your life.
    Because courage is the thing that brightens up.
    It’s the thing that lets us shine through the darkest desert night.
    It brings light.
    It guides the way.
    It lets us fall and scrape our knees and make terrible dicisions and fall apart.
    Then, it picks us up, dresses our wounds and sends us out to meet a new moment.
    Call on courage.
    Let your heart spread wide across your chest and beat deep into your soul.
    Without that beat we cease to exist.
    With it, we live, thrive and begin again.
    Love, Me

On auditioning

I’m cutting right to the chase today. Project: Love, Me calls for a serious assessment of your inner circle. In being who you are, sharing your truth and growing your confidence, expression and commitment to your amazing self, you gotta get straight about who you have on your team.
When I started deliberate, focused action in creating an abundance of love, prosperity, respect and honor for myself, I hit a hard truth. 99% of the people I had in my innermost circle did not love and accept me fully. They weren’t present to prop me up and have me prosper and they definitely did not honor and respect me.

I know you want to believe everyone is as amazing and full of life as you are. Deep down, underneath, they are. Every last human being IS love and honor and respect and completely free to be for themselves and others.

Reality check: they are that. And, if they aren’t aware or doing anything to clear what’s in the way of that expressing (AKA, doing their own project: love,me), those qualities are very deeply buried and very much NOT expressed.

And, you know what you gotta do?

Cut them out.

Make the request.
Share what you’re up to.
Tell everyone you want in your inner circle that you are creating a life where you are confident and beautiful and shining SO BRIGHTLY.

And then, listen to their response.

Their response is their audition.

audition

Here’s the deal: you are amazing.

You are so committed and dedicated and open hearted and true.
You are a catch.
You are a HUGE catch.
It is a PRIVILEGE for those with whom you walk side by side to be at your side.

Get that.

If anyone responds to you in any way that doesn’t show love and acceptance. If they aren’t present to prop you up and have you prosper and they don’t see the need to honor and respect and cherish you for the priceless human you are (and all humans are), the biggest favor you can do for them is ask them to step out of line, return their number and go back into the sea of people who aren’t cut out for the part.

The ones who give you the love you deserve are the ones who get the part. They succeed in their audition and then, and ONLY then, do you let them into your inner circle.

When I got really clear about this I made a couple of lists.
One is my “homegirls”.
One is my “awesome men”.
And the final is the “Family I MAKE”.

My “Homegirls”

I wrote the names of the women in my life who absolutely accept, love, respect and honor me (and, don’t let me step over this: I absolutely love, respect and honor as well…I think that’s a given, and I get that it might need to be said).

I wrote the names of the men in my life who get how amazing I am (and I, in turn, see that amazing-ness in. Again, needs to be said).

And I set the intention that these lists are going to grow and grow and grow, day in and day out.

Not because I’ll just start accepting the mediocre talent. Because I will demand the standard of awesome in each and every encounter…so as to say, in every audition.

And each and every, myself included, reauditions. We are constantly at work to be present, to love ourselves and, therefrom, love eachother.

We get that love is the work of life.

And we are doing the work.

Which brings me to why I made these lists…to put into existence the third.

This clearing out and letting those who fit the role into my inner circle makes the third list possible.

My “Family I Make”
This is the partner I choose to spend my remaining days with. It’s the one who commits to be my innermost circle and create a family with the same commitment.

That can’t happen without this auditioning process. It can’t happen for me or for you unless you get real with yourself about the company you keep.

So, start auditioning, and fire those in your current cast that just aren’t selling out the show.

It’s your life. Make it about love.

Love, me

On being with yourself

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I used to hate being with myself. I used to fill my time with busy chores, must-dos, and overextended schedules.  I was absolutely addicted to “getting there”.  I’d wake up before dawn, drag myself through work and then exercise until i felt faint.  I’d then rush home to fix something, start in on a new idea on how I could make it better or how I could have more time to be with others or hear about what was going on or just talk to someone.  I fantasized about a life where I could be successful and have everything I wanted.

I didn’t date.

I avoided friends, family and social outings.

I ducked my head down and barreled through.  I got on the train with my headphones playing some sort of inspirational or instructional podcast for success and leadership and, pretty much, being awesome.

In my head it was all to “get there”.  In reality it was all to get as far away as possible from myself.

When I took on Project: Love, Me, I made a list of the things I wanted to be doing and the places I wanted to be.  I decided that this list was not to be in the vein of success.

Instead, it was to be in the vein of feeling at peace, accepted, loved, heard, and enlivened – all the feelings that seemed so fleeting or even nonexistent, at the time.

I sat down to make the list and, for probably the first time in my nervous energy-filled adult life, I had nothing to write.  My mind was blank.

And I realized all this doing had me completely disconnected from myself.

I had no idea what Rachel wanted.

I had every idea what Rachel “should” want based on my guilt and my wanting to escape how embarrassed I was by my failures.  I had every idea what Rachel “could” want if…

If I were rich.
If I were interesting.
If I were inviting and beautiful and savvy and successful.

And then I realized how those “shoulds” and “coulds” sounded to ME.

I was relating to myself as if who I was was the person I’d been, before I’d acknowledged I’d messed up or failed or started feeling guilty.

I was relating to a person I’d put to rest long ago.

That’s when I actually started hearing what all the teaching and training and reading I’d done to find “it” really meant by living in the present.

I started hearing what is was to be with myself now…and now…and now.

Three completely different moments, each allowing for any version of Rachel I wanted to be in each of them…each it’s own existence.

Each of those moments was a fleeting time to choose now.

Each of those moments was an opportunity.

So, I started focusing.

And by focusing I mean, training my attention to be sharp as a laser.

“Checking in” became a major practice.

Sitting on the train, in the middle of a conversation, while reading, while writing, while just sitting and staring.

Am I thinking?  Am I judging?  Am I reacting?  Am I here…now?

And I started connecting the dots.  I started getting why I was so nervous to get ahead.  I started noticing how insecure and unhappy I was being with me.

Who wouldn’t be nervous and insecure about being with a version of myself that dissipated forever ago?

I was avoiding hanging with a ghost.

A woman who got it right all the time.

A woman who was defensive and assertive to protect a broken heart.

A woman who was fighting day in and day out to get away from her day to day.

All I wanted around me was love and peace and creativity and an easy breezy dreamy space of living and breathing and contributing and truly being where I was at any given time.

I felt lonely because who I truly am was locked away, alone.

She was alone because I wouldn’t let her come out and be.

On that thought, I really started making a list.

What does Rachel want?

To be free.
To be openhearted.
To be radically self-expressed.
To be connected.
To be at peace.
To be love.

So, if Rachel is going to be free, openhearted, radically self-expressed, connected, at peace, and pretty much the human incarnation of love…what does she do?

She clears her schedule and then finds things to fill it with that excite her.
She works with clients that inspire her and connect with her and grow their own wings.
She falls in love.
She builds community.
She shows up when she’s requested and supports when it’s wanted.
She dances until her heart is pumping, the tears have fallen and she’s tingling.  She’s filled with light.
She goes to the people who want to feel like she wants to feel.  She lets go of those who want to stay lonely.  She eases her way into being able to say “I don’t feel comfortable and I still want to stay” and, it’s received.
She looks in the mirror and really sees herself.  Long and hard, until all of the “you should”, “you could”, “you would have ifs…” dissipate and it’s just she and herself spending time TOGETHER.

The truth is, we’re never alone.

We are always with our closest company.
We are always with our most understanding, supportive and nurturing companion.

It’s when we choose to neglect ourselves that we feel lonely.

It’s a beautiful practice being alone.

The better you become with you, the better you are with any and everybody else.

While you’re out there doing whatever you end up doing, you can always hold your own hand, soothe your own heart and stir up what ever you and yourself want to create.

And, you get to practice, every moment, every day.

Love, Me

Pleased vs happy

happy

Pleased…pleasure…is a means to appease. One can be pleased. The other side of that coin is based on some old hurt, something rotting in there. Some way you just aren’t expressed and, really, you’re a little dead. Without going deep to heal that pain, pleasure is completely external. It’s seeking.
It’s numbing and avoiding.
When we heal the wound.
When we feel the way we feel about whatever it is we hold on to deep down inside, we get to see that, that past experience, where something may have made us feel abandoned, rejected, hated, unwanted, unworthy or insufficient…we can get past it.
Back then, whatever it was hurt so bad we really did think we’d die if we felt it.
We really did think we were in danger, a limb might fall off, we might actually be left to fend for ourselves.
That’s a pretty logical fear to a wee one.
Because, then, we had no experience of that kind of suffering.
Because then, we really did need someone to take care of us, teach us, nourish us and assist us in growing.

Now, it’s all you.

And that’s a wonderful thing.

All that hurt…you’re keeping going because that fear inside still seems so HUGE.

BUT…when you really go there, when you really cry those uncried tears, when you really mourn the feeling you had all that time ago…it gets released.

You see it’s not so dangerous. Hell, even if you did lose a limb, you’re pretty darn good at living, you’d figure it out AND with that release having happened, you’d thrive…even in that crazy a case.

When we seek out pleasure without being with the real pain, we mask that pain, we numb out, and we lose touch.
We consistently run from ourselves, the ones in there that are dying to be out here, seeing the world through your wide, beautiful eyes.

Happiness is a state of being that spontaneously occurs when we’ve remembered, felt the hurt, and let go.

It takes something. Really, it does. It’s time to be super brave when you go in there with yourself to get this stuff out.

When you’re ready, stop to think…

Have you ever worked extremely hard to get something, win an award, get acknowledged, or be seen and then, the moment after that recognition, you were out to accomplish the next task?

That’s seeking pleasure.
Pleasure in success…pleasure in winning.
Happiness is acknowledging the little wins, the learning from the bumps in the road and the soothing when things don’t go as planned.

Have you ever spent a little too much time with a partner, blindly ignoring the discomfort and insecurity you feel around them, saying you liked the thrill of the chase, the passion and lust, the hot and cold…and when you get their attention, when you feel like affection and intimacy…you are absolutely swept away?

That’s seeking pleasure.

Pleasure in the ecstasy of getting the hard to get. Pleasure in, for a moment, feeling wanted. Pleasure in being seen and adored, no matter how fleeting, by someone who “never falls”.

Happiness is learning a partner and letting them learn you. Opening up that part of yourself that feels a little broken or dead and having someone love that version of you…and every other one…and not being afraid to get closer.

And when you deal with all those inner hurts that keep you from finding your happiness, pleasure is so much more fun.

It’s of course allowed!

Nobody is keeping you from the fun in winning or achieving or getting a little sassy with your sexy side.

Seriously, nobody minds (and, if they do…that’s them showing you their own inner pain).

It’s just where it comes from that’s so worth the look.
Be pleased as often as you like

But, first, strive to get happy.

Strive to own your heart and let it beat with glee out of your chest…when you’re sweeping the kitchen floor.

Yeah, strive for that kind of happy.

Where absolutely anything can bring you joy.

Strive to let go of the unhappy.
Stay away from putting a bandaid on it and give yourself the warmth of a really deep hug in knowing what you need and who you really are.

Love, Me

To myself (yourself)

she was being true
To myself (yourself), Little fairy,
I’m (you’re) writing you (me), a love letter today. I’m (You’re) writing to you (me) because, I (You) forget to tell you (me) most days that, I’m (You’re) absolutely in love with you (me).
I (You) love that you (I) are (am) small and mighty, a presence that always closes the circle.
You (I) are (am) welcome and loved everywhere you (I) go.
You (I) radiate.
You (I) sing.
You (I) cry tears that show it’s well and good to share and what kind of power there is in being vulnerable.
It doesn’t matter if that’s not what everyone can do.  You (I) can and you (I) do.
You (I) breathe.
You (I) move gently.
You (I) float into a smile.
You (I) let your (my) heart be open and you (I) heal yourself (myself).
You (I) listen for the music and when you (I) get far away, you (I) listen harder to find your (my) way back.
You (I) sit where you (I) are (am) as best you (I) can and go to walk if you (I) need to…alone.
You (I) ask for help when you (I) need it. You (I) are (am) generous with your (my) giving and receiving. Sometimes you (I) can ask anyone and sometimes you (I) choose a specific helper to call on.
They always come.
You (I) know who people are.
You (I) never have to apologize, and you (I) do to be sure that I (you) am (are) calm, at ease, safe and sound.
I’m (you’re) not the nicest to you (me) a lot of the time.  It makes sense, you’re (I’m) not going anywhere. You (I) will always patiently get through with me (you).  I (you) still shouldn’t treat you (me) like that.
I (You) never have to worry you’ll (I’ll) leave.
We will always be together.
You (I) will never be alone.
I (you) will protect you (me) and always let you (me) be you (me). I (you) promise to honor and respect whomever that is and whatever she needs.
Goodnight my beautiful fairy.
Love, me (you)
 heart cascade

On being unapologetic

This one goes out to Deirdre, my therapist in my late 20s.
She and I had been working really hard on getting me to stop saying, “I’m sorry”.
She gave me a book:
“The Drama of the Gifted Child”

here’s a little book review on that:

‘Why are many of the most successful people plagued by feelings of emptiness and alienation…?’
One word: survival.
Good work surviving.
Now, you don’t have to do that anymore. Stop it.
Figure out who you are and go be awesome.

ASSIGNMENT!

Lifework for you:
1. Start your Project: Love, Me.
2. Commit to it.
3. Read that book.
4. Seriously.

Now, I was still saying, “I’m sorry”, years later, when I began my Project: Love, Me.
So, I pulled that good old drama out again.

And I saw this:

In my 20s I’d come to the end of an adventure in my life and that end looked a lot like failure.

PSA:
Sometime, after EVERY success, there is a fallout.

It’s the law of impermanence, people.

Every awesome thing that happens will eventually deteriorate.
That’s why you gotta do you…and not go doing stuff to get attention and to win and to prove something.
That’s why you have to be inspired and whole and excited and KEEP ON CREATING.

5. Get that.
6. Seriously.

(Because you don’t want to go through this)

I had my first death of a dream.
I’d failed.
I turned on myself.
I started hearing how angry people were that I’d done something different.

It may not even have been anger they were expressing at all – likely misunderstanding, disbelief, jealousy, or fear…regardless of what was actually expressed, I heard anger.
Because that worked for me, judging and ridiculing myself for falling apart.

Underneath it all, where that little light of love flickered, I wanted support.

Underneath it all, I was sad I didn’t get the support I wanted (and deserved –
PSA #2: every last living thing on this planet is ENTITLED to support. Anybody who doesn’t agree, go away).

And instead of honoring that sadness, I pretended it wasn’t true and just kept asking the same people.
The people I was “supposed” to be supported by.
The people that I “could” reach out to.

I wanted them to understand.
I wanted them to believe.
I wanted them to be proud.
I wanted them to be fearless
with me.

They didn’t.
They wouldn’t.
They weren’t.
The’y couldn’t.

And I was angry.
I was stubborn.
I was jaded.
I was embarrassed.
I was fearful.

They were a mirror, reflecting what my fear had me telling myself I deserved.

I’m sorry.
I’m so so sorry.

When it was time to forgive, release, let go and LOVE, I saw that fear.
I was frightened to reach out for what I wanted,
like standing on the edge of a cliff, stepping out and praying to whatever diety, universal element or higher version of myself might catch me as I swiftly plummeted.

I swore there was no one like that there.

So I tried to do it myself again.

And I continued, passionately apologizing to everyone around me.

Funny turn of events: Suddenly, this new crew around me just wasn’t in the business of accepting apologies.

I’d taken the step without knowing.

I’d intended to be supported, to be loved.
I’d intended to come back, to thrive, to do what I wanted, to create something fresh and new and powerfully beautiful in this world.

My intention had been HEARD.

A new support had come.
They waited, patiently for me to stop apologizing.

I refused.
I feared.
I saw so many reasons to believe they’d let me down.
I saw so many reasons I didn’t deserve to take that seat and be the words that another could hear to step out of her own hell,
out of her own lonely world
where she was sorry,

for being herself.

And then I started apologizing to myself.

“I’m sorry that I say I’m selfish that I did what I wanted to do.”
“I’m sorry that I made myself wrong that I don’t go visit.”
“I’m sorry that I don’t speak up when people speak to me that way.”
“I’m sorry that I blamed myself for letting him do that to me.”
“I’m sorry that I apologized for changing my mind.”
“I’m sorry that I thought I couldn’t have more.”
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t letting this amazing, gifted child be present for this world.”

And then I stopped apologizing.

I am NOT sorry that I want to be somebody.
I am NOT sorry that I want to see the world.
I am NOT sorry that I want to be bright and alive and full of every bit of happiness that I can conjure up.
I am NOT sorry that I get that it is my job to have the life I want.
I am NOT sorry that it is each and every person on this planet’s job to get that for themselves.
I am NOT sorry that I’m sitting here, writing and willing each person I meet to step out of their hell and find company in their greatness.

I am.
I can.
I will.

Unapologetically.

Unapologetically, life is here, for the taking, the living and the loving.
Unapologetically, get up and go where you want to be.

Unapologetically, find the people who want for you what you want for you.

Unapologetically, stand that they rise to you and that, when they step forward, they stand for you to come along too.
Unapologetically, screw up and learn.
Unapologetically, get your hands dirty.
Unapologetically, speak up if you don’t like something.
Unapologetically, never ever settle.
Unapologetically, be you.

Love, Me

On being brave

It’s human to fear. Whether it’s your own experience, witnessing the experience of another or listening to your vivid imagination, generating fears is part of the everyday of life.
It’s when you don’t acknowledge fears or you violently deny them that your world shrinks.

Denial comes from a greater sense of fear.

It’s from choosing to stay in the places where things don’t work.
It’s from choosing to stay in places where you get hurt.
It’s from choosing to stay living in suffering.

It seems easier to just live with it.

It seems easier to keep yourself from what’s possible than to go somewhere where the experiences you LONG for, the sense of ease in connection and love and the openness of your heart exists.

That greater sense of fear is misunderstanding.

It’s hoping for something outside of you to heal your wounds, to build you up and to allow you to be who you truly are, in the face of whatever happens.

It’s wanting to be accepted and loved so you can accept and love yourself.
It’s wanting to fit in, gain approval and feel safe.

It’s all coming from an unknown, from an idea that you need to be a certain way and have certain things or meet certain standards…standards that you chose to believe…that you decided were standards for yourself. You set those standards for you…in your own heart…deep down under that fear.

It’s when you choose to be brave that you see things differently.

That’s when you can go to those unknown places.

You have this notion that those places are dark and frightening.
They can be.
They can also be light and bright and beautiful.
That’s just a matter of what you choose to focus on.

Being brave let’s you go out on a limb. It let’s you reach for something, no matter how your heart pounds or your throat closes or how heavily the tears fall down your face.
It’s saying ‘yes’ to yourself while all those you used to look to for guidance and support say ‘no’.
It’s saying ‘yes’ to yourself and the ‘no’ to people who are really important to you…because what you want just isn’t what they want.
It’s letting others’ opinions be expressed without making them right or wrong,
or,
better yet,
without making yourself right or wrong.

No one is living the same life you are.

No one has the same design and desire and dreams.

That’s special, only to you.

Everyone has a desire to fulfill on his or her own life and address the places within that feel stale or unheard or lost or broken.

The truth is, it’s just a desire.

Fulfilled or not, YOU can still be fulfilled and happy and confident and whole because you are, naturally.

There’s a difference between knowing this to be true and living from that truth in every moment.

To think you’ll live it in every moment is silly.
You’re human.
There’s beauty in every pain and much as in every joy.
It’s worth the experience of it all.

So, when those moments where you feel shaky because you’re about to go for it, where you want to cry because you let yourself love and open up and be free and it didn’t work out the way you’d hoped, where you spoke your deepest hopes and dreams and they fell dull on deaf ears…
all those times, you get the chance to be brave.

You get to stop and see what you wanted to fill.
You get to stop and see what you might not have known you thought was missing.
You get to stop and soothe and love yourself for dreaming.
You get to heal
and then,
You get to start a new dream.

Being brave opens your eyes to a whole new life filled with joy and opportunity and creativity.
It lets you be free and courageous in seeing it through…in finding yourself.
It gives you the space to fail and get right back up.
It shows you how worth it this life really is.
It lets you feel.
And with feeling you’re ready.

you feel love.

On being whole and complete

I woke up today.
I rolled out of bed, hair a mess, eyes puffy, age in my face.
I hadn’t even opened my eyes when I remembered I’d forgotten.
I hadn’t.
I’d failed.
I fog my eyes when I look in the mirror.
I don’t want to see.
Too thin.
Too pale.
Worn. Tired. Used up.

I want to be huggable.

It’s still dark out.
I have to get up and go and appease and accommodate.
So someone will want me.
So someone will keep me.

Time starts moving quickly.
I’m confused. I’m disorganized. I’m lazy. I’m unfit. I’m powerless. I’m a waste.
I’ll never be something.
Forget about enough.

I stop.
I open my eyes and force myself to look.

I see.

Gentle, peaceful, open hearted.
Big dreams.
Such a capacity to feel.
This woman, all love.

I stare. I listen.
I hear wanting to heal.
I hear hurt.
I hear a small broken cry.
I hear why.

I ask that voice to speak up.
I ask her to tell me what she wants.
What I see gets softer.
What I see is so easy to look at.
What I see understands.
She’s creative.
She’s excited.
She loves.
She wears no armor.

She’s speaking clearly now.
Her voice is strong.
Her voice is proud.
Her voice is heard.
She is seen.
She is accepted.

The eyes that were shut
when the didn’t and can’t flowed in the darkness
Now, open to see.
The morning light grows.
She feels a desire.
She makes a plan.
She is patient, encouraging, proud, and acknowledging – who she is
and who she is not.
It’s all her opinion anyway.
She thanks it for sharing.

She’s a presence and a being.
She’s a heart and a soul.
She’s an expression of perfection simply because she is.

She is whole and complete.
Today.
Right now.
In this moment.
She is love.

Hope is a four letter word

I hope to…
I hope so.
I…in some future moment/version of myself beg the universe to do me a solid and make that thing that I deep down inside don’t really think is possible happen.

That’s hope.

It’s looking forward.
It’s having an expectation and wanting it fulfilled by someone or something out there in the fantasy land you’ve created as the life you want, instead of this one, right here, right now…the one you’ve got.

We hope to discharge pain.
We hope to allow for the things we don’t want to happen.
We hope to allow ourselves to be without what we believe, whether we acknowledge it or not, we aren’t good enough to have.
We hope that someday, one day we will be lucky enough to receive.

Hope is a four letter word.

I’m going to illustrate why I’m adding hope to the profane…because that shit will fuck up your life.

Hoping has nothing to do with what is.
It has everything to do with what isn’t, what’s lacking, what’s missing.
Hope is the perfect little cover up for that dirty little masochist inside of you to have you say and think things that others will see as brave, driven, committed, voracious, valiant…
Maybe you’ve even convinced yourself you possess these qualities. I mean, my little do-gooder, cross carrying, life battle fighting self sure believed that about me.

That is, until I busted her for it.

I busted her for hoping real quick when I figured it out.
Because when I stopped to look at what I was hoping for I was about to get evicted from my apartment, I was smoking half a pack a day and was ten pounds underweight.

I was hoping my business would take off.
I was hoping any unreturned calls would be answered.
I was hoping my boyfriend would stop abusing alcohol.
I was hoping I could run from everything that was crushing my heart and come out unscathed, no one noticing.
I was hoping that the life I was living would just magically become the life I wanted.

So I gave that shit up.

I got a job waiting tables while I continued to build my business. I got out of that relationship and started going to Al-ANON meetings. I stopped reaching out to the people who had shown they weren’t equipped or interested on being there for me. I stopped mistreating myself in all the ways I asked the people who hire me to stop.

I started this process of going DEEP into my heart to heal the things that had me forcing my failure and punishing myself in the first place.

And I realized what was missing when I quit hoping for the future and let myself be with today…

Faith.

Yup, faith.

You gotta be faithful.

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Nope, I don’t mean Sunday mass, sun salutations, synagogue or Intentions Into the universe (not knocking these additions, by all means, whatever works for you).

What I mean is sitting down with yourself and thinking hard and then writing what you want as a declaration of what is absolutely NO DOUBT IN YOUR MIND going to happen.
No kidding.
It’s going to happen.

How? I have No idea.

When? Don’t know that either.

And…I’m not going to waste these moments, right here, right now.
I am not going to waste the opportunity to acknowledge what BELIEVABLY awesome, tangible greatness I have right here in my space, in front of my, inside of me and all around me.
I am not going to plan the next month’s success without honoring and being grateful for who I am right the fuck NOW.

Write it down and put it away.

Stop thinking about it.
Stop doing anything with it.
And…do you.

Since I took action on being happy and acknowledged and grateful and awesome NOW, a bunch of clients rolled in. I got a office I really like with a little garden outside the window. I started writing and filling my non working hours with things I wanted to be doing. I started playing and exploring and growing again.
I gave up that I needed to do a certain job.
I gave up that I needed to settle or continue going back to people who just couldn’t see me or hear me or, for whatever the reason, weren’t in to me.
I started getting interested in myself.
I found people who are interested in me too.
This writing project came out of faith.
Faith that I am healthy and whole and enough to have everything I want, fill myself up and THEN give.
Faith that this way of being works.

Get this:
Faith flings you out there to where you want to be.
There’s no questioning or fearing or sticking around where you aren’t just plain living magnificence.
And you can’t deny faith.
It’s just what you believe.
PERIOD.
ANYTHING, absolutely anything that says no to that belief simply, has to go. There’s no effort.
It just doesn’t fit.
There is no room for it or anything or any person that contributes to it.

You need that room to believe.

So fuck hope.
Believe.
Fuck feeling sorry for where you are or letting it happen.
Believe.

this is your life.
Believe in who you are.

Love, Me